For us, 2018 had a mixture of good things and bad things. Overall, the year really took a toll on me. I have always been more high strung and get worried, stressed and fearful easily. In April of 2018, I hit a breaking point.
We were living in a townhome at the beginning of 2018 and we were ready to buy a house again. This would be our third home purchase. You see, we went through a foreclosure 4 years prior and our time of having to wait to buy a house again was finally over. When we were ready to buy, the housing market was a very strong sellers market and houses were being snatched up before you even had time to make an offer.
I was not managing my stress well and due to our foreclosure 4 years earlier, I think there was some PTSD. Well, one morning in April, I woke to a full blown panic attack. The night before I had been really stressed about the house and results from some thyroid labs I recently had drawn. Patrick had already left for work that morning. When I woke, my heart was racing. I thought I was going to pass out and die. That sounds dramatic but for anyone who has experienced this, you know what I am talking about.
STRESS AND ANXIETY
That morning changed me. I began dealing with physical symptoms of stress and anxiety every single day. Every morning I would wake to a racing heart due to stress. I went to see two doctors and they assured me it was due to anxiety and stress. I began to dread the evenings and especially the mornings. What had I done to myself? Why was I going through this? How do I get out? Physically it was very hard for me to do my normal routine.
The Lord encouraged me with this scripture and it was the scripture that I clung to all year and still am clinging to.
“I will personally go with you and I will give you rest. Everything will be fine for you.” Exodus 33:14
I finally had to let go. One morning I gave our house search up to the Lord. I really and truly let it go. I made the decision that if things didn’t work out for us to buy a house right now that would be okay. The Lord would have something else for us. It was going to be okay no matter what.
We ended up buying a house after having to jump through some challenges. God was faithful and brought us through the bumps in the road during that stressful process.
A BIG SURPRISE
Two days after we moved into our new house, I found out I was pregnant! This was not in our plans – at all. So I was VERY surprised – and STRESSED. The pregnancy added even more stress to my body. I was scared and anxious everyday and spent a lot of time sitting and trying to rest. My first appointment with my midwife was scheduled for July 25th. I found out I was pregnant June 6th.
I was still waking to a fast heart rate almost everyday. There were good days and bad days. I had to rely on the kids to help out a lot during the days and Patrick to take care of things when he got home from work at night.
We began thinking about how we wanted to announce this surprise pregnancy and thought a video would be fun. My brother and brother in law helped us make an announcement video. It was a great video and we were excited to share it with everyone to announce our new family member on the way.
THE FIRST APPOINTMENT
My first appointment date finally arrived. I got myself to my appointment. I was far along enough in my pregnancy my midwife could listen for our baby’s heartbeat. She couldn’t hear anything. She sent me to get a sonogram right away. Having experienced a miscarriage before, I was very nervous and scared and stressed. My heart was pounding and beating so fast from anxiety and stress for my baby. One of my sisters lives close to the sonogram place so she came to meet me there for support that might be needed. Patrick was on a route at work and couldn’t get away.
I was in for a surprise when the sonogram began. The sonographer started and right away, I thought I saw two babies. Two. She didn’t say anything at first so I thought maybe I was just seeing something else. I could tell for sure though that there was no heartbeat. When the sonogram was done, she told me that I was pregnant with twins. Two precious babies. But neither sweet baby had a heartbeat. They had passed just days before. My heart was broken. I never thought I would have twins. Thankfully, my sister was there to support and love me. I had a long drive home from the sonogram office. I called Patrick and told him the news and also texted my family and told them to start praying. Patrick and I weren’t ready to give up on our babies yet.
BELIEVING FOR OUR BABIES
We had seen a baby come back to life in our family before. My sister had a sonogram before and her sweet baby had no heartbeat. When she went back her baby had a heartbeat and had grown bigger. He is now a healthy, sweet boy!
While driving home my brother texted me and asked if we’d like him and my dad to come over and pray with us for our babies. He was ready to believe for a miracle if we were. We said yes. Sorrow filled our hearts, but also hope. We believe in the power of God and the babies inside me could come back to life again through Him. We stood and believed and prayed.
A day or two later, my brother and dad came over. One of my sisters called in to pray over the phone. We had so much support and love. When they got to our house we turned on worship music and laid hands on my belly and prayed and spoke to those babies in my womb. We all cried and worshipped God and spoke LIFE. The Lord showed Patrick how much he loved our babies. It had Patrick in tears. We left that prayer time feeling God’s love and peace.
Our kids were also on board with believing for their siblings lives. They were so confident that they would be okay and would be born. Their faith was so touching to me.
A few days after that prayer time, Patrick and I decided to go get another sonogram and check for heartbeats. Still there was nothing. We weren’t ready to give up. We prayed, spoke life and had hope. A few weeks passed and I still hadn’t shown any signs of miscarriage and we were under the belief that as long as they were still in my body, they could still come back to us. We decided to go to a place where people can come and get prayer. The kids came with us and we prayed over our babies. We felt we needed to do everything we could to do our part in fighting for our babies.
During all this time, there was so much stress. Stress between believing and also trying to face reality. Stress between should I have these babies at home or go to a hospital? Should I wait and let my body do it’s thing or go in and get induced? Would it be safe to have them at home? It was scary and exhausting. It was physically hard for me to do anything. My mom and sisters spent a lot of time helping me every week and coming over to keep me company. I was so scared I’d have the babies and have no one there to help me.
“When you go through deep waters, I WILL BE WITH YOU.” Isaiah 43:2a
Stay tuned for Part 2 of our story.