We finally realized and accepted the fact that the babies were not going to come back to us. They were with Jesus and that is where they would stay. My belly wasn’t growing any more. It was actually starting to get smaller. I hadn’t felt any movement and I knew if they came back I would feel movement. They were big enough for that.
There were no signs of miscarriage which caused more stress. One night, when Patrick was praying for me and the twins, he prayed that God would give me a dream of things to come. On Thursday night, August 30th, the Lord gave me a dream. He is so faithful. I dreamt about having my babies. In the dream I needed to go to the restroom. When I got in there, I had my babies. It was such a surprise to me in my dream because I had not felt any cramps or contractions. After I had them I looked at them and I had a boy and a girl. I held them in my arms and cried. When I woke up and realized what I’d dreamt I really didn’t know if that dream was from the Lord or not.
That day we decided to go to the doctor who delivered my sister’s baby to talk about options in case I decided to go in to the hospital. Patrick took work off that day so he could go with me. She reassured us that she thought we would be okay having our babies at home with the help of my midwife.
OUR BABIES’ BIRTHDAY
On Saturday, September 1st, the dream the Lord gave me became a reality. I was sitting on the couch and needed to use the restroom so I went and realized the babies were coming. I called Patrick and he came to help me. He helped hold a Target sack under me so they wouldn’t go into the toilet. Our sweet babes came out very easily in their sack with zero pain. I was scared and nervous but felt the Lord’s peace at the same time. Our midwife was on the phone with us as she was driving to our house making sure everything was going okay. My parents came over as well to be with the kids.
At the time we thought I might not have had both of the babies yet because I just had one sack come out and we were told the twins were in separate sacks. Our midwife decided to open the sack and look and see who was there. Come to find out, I had birthed both babies and the placenta. Everything and everyone was out. Our babies were in two separate sacks inside one big sack. When she opened the sack, she placed our sweet babies on a bed of cotton balls in a tupperware container. We looked and just like the dream, we saw first that we had a boy and then a girl. Emerson Lee is our boy. Emily Ruth is our girl.
I got cleaned up and in my bed with my babies beside me. Patrick and I sat there. I felt like I couldn’t even bring myself to cry. It was like we were in shock. I almost felt bad that I wasn’t bawling. (Believe me, that did come later.) We were so sad and at the same time so relieved that they were born.
The kids came in to see their brother and sister. They each drew me the most precious pictures of me holding the twins. I will save those pictures forever. They make me want to cry every time I see them.
We were able to get a few pictures of our babies. My mom, sisters, and brother were there to help Patrick and I get a few photos of us with our babies. This is when I broke down and wept. It felt so good to cry. Because Emerson and Emily were so fragile, we were never able to hold them in our hands. That broke my heart even more. I longed to hold them in my hands. We did the best that we could and held them in their little box and mourned.
HE IS FAITHFUL
The Lord was so faithful to share that dream with me. It reminded Patrick and I of His love for us. He saw what we were going through and He did not leave us.
I am still struggling with stress, anxiety, and fear. There has been improvement but I’m not completely back to being my “normal” self. I still deal with physical symptoms and even “good” stress seems to make my body respond in a more heightened way. It’s frustrating and at times scary. My heart still breaks when I think about my babies. But Jesus is helping to pick up the pieces of my heart. He’s healing me and covering my wounds with His love. Listen to these beautiful words from Jesus to me and you:
“He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.” Psalm 147:3
“The Lord helps the fallen and lifts those bent beneath their loads.” Psalm 145:14
A WORD FROM JESUS
One evening a couple months ago I was reading and the Lord spoke to me. He said, “Whenever you have fought a hard battle you need time to rest. When a soldier comes back from battle he doesn’t just pop back into normal life. He has to readjust and heal. He may have trauma to deal with. The battle itself may be over but there are after effects he may have to deal with. He may not be himself for a while. But I am here to heal your heart. To take your shattered pieces and make you whole again.”
This encouraged me so much. It felt like we were fighting for something for so much of 2018. It ended with us having to fight hard for our own babies and it was a battle we lost. We praise God that it isn’t the end and that we didn’t lose the ultimate war because they are with Jesus and we will see them one day along with our sweet baby, Joshua, that we lost in 2014.
A couple days after I received that word from the Lord, He encouraged me again. It was in the middle of the night when I woke to a racing, anxious heart. The moment I woke I heard, “I am healing your heart.”
What about you? What hard things have you gone through? What has broken your heart? What battles have you fought? Did it leave you feeling like you were left for dead? Please believe me when I tell you this: Jesus has not left you. He has and always will be with you. He was with you through every step of your battle. He knows how hard you fought. He knows whether you lost or won that battle. He is there with His hand over yours weeping with you.
Our God is in the healing business and as you turn to Him, He will begin healing your heart with His love. It may not happen right away. Healing is a process. A journey. I’ve been on this journey for almost a year now and it’s not over yet. At times that really discourages me. But I remember when Jesus sent His disciples in a boat to go to the other side of the lake. He went up to a mountain to pray. Meanwhile, the disciples were caught in the middle of a storm and thought they weren’t going to make it. But guess what? Jesus showed up and they made it to the other side. You and I WILL make it to the other side. We will make it through. What you are going through you are going THROUGH.
GO THERE WITH JESUS
One thing I have been doing lately that has brought so much peace and comfort to my heart is looking back on hard, painful memories and picturing Jesus there with me. Realizing that He was there and picturing Him in that memory brings healing. The first memory I did this with was when I was having my babies. I pictured Him next to Patrick and I in that bathroom while I birthed my babies over the toilet. Jesus was there crouching down next to us with His arm around my shoulders and tears in His eyes. When we were taking a couple pictures with our babies and I wept, He wept and held me in His arms.
What memory can you picture Jesus in? What does He say? What does He do?
Patrick and I wanted to share pictures with you of our sweet babies, but we know not everyone will want to see them. If you would like to see our babies, please click HERE.
To read part 1 of our story, click HERE.